You Filled My Heart With Kryptonite

Fri, 26 May 2006 19:28:49 GMT

So my voice is back. Kinda. It popped out at the end of the day. I don't know how high it can go though.

I'm hoping this means I can do the show. I want to do the show.

Ford. Gerry Ford.

Yeah.

Thu, 25 May 2006 03:13:19 GMT

I don't think I'll be in school tomorrow.

My sore throat is starting to become a sore mouth.

My head won't stop throbbing and my nose is really stuffy.

Someone in my drama class. Tell Q that I'm going to try and make the rehearsal, even if I'm not suppose to be there because I wasn't in school. But he needs to have someone take over my Attendant role. I can't do it. I know it's one line, but I haven't done the song enough to hit the right cues and I don't want to screw the show up.

But I'm still going to do Gerald Ford.

If you can pass this message along. I'll be in on Friday.

Sick and so.

Tue, 23 May 2006 23:25:29 GMT

I'm really sick. I got my brother's virus. Everything hurts and I can't swallow liquids or foods.

Speaking of my brother. My Mom was telling me in the car that the blood place (Wherever Tony got his blood tests done) called and said they need Tony in as soon as possible. By Thursday. Tony's prom is on Thursday and my Mom doesn't want him to miss it being his last day and prom and all that.

Their response wasn't very gratifying I was told. So he's going in on Friday.

This really sucks. I just want everything to be okay.

Thu, 18 May 2006 23:00:03 GMT

Haircut. Woo.

Thu, 18 May 2006 03:34:39 GMT

It's impossible for me to have one good day. All day. Without something getting in the way. Even on my birthday.

Something always manages to pop out and fuck me over.

And people wonder why I'm not happy.

Awoomba wa awoomba wa Aiiiiiyeeeee.

Wed, 17 May 2006 10:07:46 GMT

Happy birthday....to me?

Eighteen. Geez.

EDIT: A new digital camera. Man, I go through these things like hotcakes.

Wed, 17 May 2006 03:00:08 GMT

Scrubs season finale was on tonight.

I spent the first half hour in my room watching it because I didn't want to be distracted.

My Mom kept calling up, asking me when I was coming down. It use to be a family thing. We'd all watch Scrubs together. But my Mom would get on my nerves with her cutesy comments. Small things.

Just small things.

And I was getting a little antsy listening to her on the intercom, but I decided to go downstairs, grab some ice-cream and sit in her room with her and Tony and watch the rest of the finale.

It was a lot of fun. Listening to other people laugh.

That's when I realized that not all distractions are bad distractions.

Life is good.

Tue, 16 May 2006 03:06:18 GMT

Is anyone else getting that feeling that you hope there's school Wednesday, but at the same time, you don't?

---

P.S. This is the weirdest apple I've ever tasted.

Sat, 13 May 2006 03:26:30 GMT

That was.....interesting.

Well okay, Lauren and I went to the GLASS dance (Gay/Lesbian/And/Straight/Society). Overall, it just....was blah.

We only stuck around for like, a half hour or so then left. There was only about fifteen/twenty kids there and we just weren't feeling it.

So we spent about an hour walking around Newburyport in the drizzling rain, ate 25 cent hotdogs from Richdale's (oh god I love hotdogs), a slush puppy and staring at all the closed shops. We saw Sarah O'Blenes and her boyfriend sitting in a coffee shop and then got weirded out by all the creepy night time people.

Then we went back to her house and watched some of Boondock Saints before her Mom told me to go home because of the time.

It was pretty cool.

Tomorrow is Poseidon with Chad. W00t.

Fuck.

Fri, 12 May 2006 19:10:05 GMT

Okaaaaaay.

Apparently Thank You For Smoking has left Cinemagic.

So now I don't know what.

I'm retarded.

Fri, 12 May 2006 02:30:58 GMT

I almost copied the words "Tank Girl" (Tank Girl is an old comic-strip and movie about a girl who rides tanks and like, blows up evil corporations I guess) to paste on Google Image to see what Tank Girl was.

Then I stopped and asked myself, "Why would you need to past two four letter words Nick?"

I need to go back to pre-school.

Thu, 11 May 2006 19:41:09 GMT

My therapist never showed up.

Woo?

Wed, 10 May 2006 18:42:52 GMT

I am more pissed than a flock of canaries.

I don't even care that that didn't make sense.

Why?

Overrides are a good place to start.

Thank You For Smoking.

Tue, 09 May 2006 20:31:05 GMT

Friday at 7:10 PM, I'm going to see Thank You For Smoking at Cinemagic.

Anyone that wants to come and join me. Is welcomed. It looks hilarious.

---

There's the Newburyport GLASS dance from 8-11 on Friday. I didn't know about it until today (it's a Gay/Straight thing), but I think I'll go to that after the movie is out.

Fill up my Friday.

---

Saturday is Cam's party.

---

Sunday Maddy is going to help me with my environmental project and we're going to watch Sin City.

---

This'll be the first busy weekend I've had in awhile.

Tue, 09 May 2006 19:13:28 GMT

I rushed to the bus after school, didn't want to make Joe wait up for me when I was late.

Bus got turned around because Megan was throwing a tantrum because of kids in the back being dicks. All parties responsible.

Got to Dock Lane, got off bus. We don't drive the van anymore, so the Intrepid can only fit so many people. Rachel and John got in automatically, and when I opened the door, realized Tony was in the front and there was only one spot left, I told Savannah to get in, and then I dropped my stuff on the floor. Tony got out of the car, he was going to give up his seat.

I wasn't going to let my blood clot brother take the burden so I was going to walk too.

Well, one extra seat in the car and no one took it.

Tony and I walked down the street, getting drenched in rain, talking about our days. When we got to about Donald's house, Tony said, "Wanna race?"

Me: Okay.

We started running, and then I was like, "Wait what the fuck Tony, you have a blood clot!" and he said, "Oh well."

So we kept running. It was cold. I was in sandals. My feet got wet. Tony ran. Didn't die.

That's brotherly bonding.

Mon, 08 May 2006 23:37:26 GMT

My face is furry.

I can hear birds outside.

I'm in total comic geek mode. Can't WAIT for Wednesday (day in which I buy comics).

Life is good.

Sun, 07 May 2006 20:53:11 GMT

My birthday is in ten days.

18.

Whoa.

Sun, 07 May 2006 18:56:36 GMT

Just got back from Chad's.

Lots of fun. Fo'serious.

Current favorite quote:

"I think we can assume that these entities are more advanced than us. Why don't they just come right out and tell us what's on their minds?"
"You're more advanced than a cockroach, have you ever tried explaining yourself to one of them?"

- From The Mothman Prophecies.

Now I've got plenty o' work to do. Must hop to it.

Sat, 06 May 2006 19:24:34 GMT

Want to know why my Dad is awesome?

Because he sings to his customers.

Right on.

Fri, 05 May 2006 19:02:08 GMT

During Physics today we were playing frisbee and Teresa threw one and it hit me in my adam's apple.

Knocked me over.

Yeah.

Thu, 04 May 2006 19:02:45 GMT

Today was long.

Not too bad, though I keep falling asleep when I'm suppose to be doing work, and my brain is all, "Nick. Work buhhuhearauhguhuh, ooooooo sleep."

Mr. Love let us go to second lunch today. I didn't think I'd ever see the day. I sat with Ben, James, and Matt. They talked about trucks and cars, and I talked about power wheels.

Yep. Still a kid at heart.

Now I'm waiting for Chad to pick me up so I can go over and earn some money.

Dropping the ball.

Wed, 03 May 2006 18:36:07 GMT

Wal-Mart has more than great prices, it also puts things in perspective.

Well. No, not really.

But things were put in perspective for me.

I don't need a relationship. Not right now. What's the point? It's "teenage love" for some kids.

I'm walking with my Dad down an aisle to get bird food and in front of us are two kids who keep grabbing at eachother, shifting positions to get more comfortable, "Oh I love you" "No I love you" "let's stay together forever."

That's great. Cheesy great. But it just seemed so....desperate.

I have a few friends who are in relationships. RELATIONSHIPS. But this desperation I saw. I saw it in myself. I saw it when I was dating Beth. When I was dating Amy. And now when I was dating Alicia. I saw this hole that needed filling and obviously the only way to fill it was to get a girlfriend, fawn over her, and have this cutesy little fantasy built up around it. It didn't disgust me. It didn't make me sick. I just. I felt bad. That I could have made any of those relationship worthwhile, but all I wanted was my desperation in check. I needed to be with them when I needed them. I had to be close to them. I clung (is clung a word?) to them (maybe it's clinged). It's not something you have to seriously apologize for unless you were obsessed, but I feel like I need to apologize for the months I took away from them, to make sure mine were as good as they could be.

But Alicia probably did the right thing, because she didn't need to deal with my constant complaints, my mood shifts, all that cranky/angsty shit. It didn't add to the relationship, it just subtracted from it.

But I don't. I was watching these people try to cling to something that probably won't last. In months. Years. It'll be over. This "teenage love". For the people who can go past it, I applaud you.

If I could go back in time to when I first started dating any of my girlfriends. I'd start by kicking the shit out of myself and saying, "Get your act together."

I don't want to be desperate. I don't want to be the guy that has to use stuff like cupid.com or matchmaker.com, whatever. Just lame. Sure, it works for some people but I shouldn't even bother with this stuff. It's eating me up inside. It's making the hole bigger, but I want a relationship, not just something that I can crush with my mental problems.

I'm sure if Alicia changed her mind, I'd go back in an instant, but I would look at everything totally different. Because a part of me needs that kind of affection, but I also want to make it worth something. Like not studying for a test to go see her made more sense then trying to get that A I need. If it's worth that, then it's something.

But I don't want to be this clingy, desperate little nerd. This isn't the time to be thinking about marriage, or thinking of forever. It's just a time to connect and stick together and show compassion and be there for one another. You've got time. Don't try and suck it all out in the first month. Maybe that's what I do, I suck it all up and leave nothing left to work with.

Shame Nick. Shame.

I can't let this be just my life. I don't mind it being a part of it. An important part. But I can't be desperate anymore. This world needs more people that care.

Again, I might find this desperate and that's something I don't want, but I'd still go back.

I'm just glad I've got this new perspective in me. Novemba was right, I need to keep and appreciate what I've got, not what I've lost. That's the only way to live.

I've got a lot of things I want back, but going backwards, it doesn't take me anywhere new. Every step backwards is one less step forward in life. Everyone knows where it ends (death, just incase you don't), but you've got nothing going backwards.

I told this to Jess yesterday, we ended up on "the subject", but I said, "Overall though, she seems happy. And I don't want to take the happiness away from her."

I'd much rather give than take. But as long as she's happy, I can go down my own road.

I can live my own life.

Tue, 02 May 2006 19:48:44 GMT

I'm just going to go to prom alone.

Lack of medication = no life satisfaction

Mon, 01 May 2006 23:05:39 GMT

Writing this while in my total fucked up mindstate must mean something, seeing as how I'm dreadfully depressed and don't have any zyprexa in my system (causing said depression (and withdrawal)).

Yes, I need medication drugs to survive. I have no self-control.

I'm like those things that you can punch and they fall backwards and swoop back up. They can't control where they go, they just go where people punch them and bounce back up for more.

But yeah.

I work better was a friend. As much as I know my mind is going to change this line over and over again, saying it now will do more good than not. I'm hoping that realizing this will lift the depression.

Or just help me move on. It just takes me more than four days to move on from something.

My fucking head is ringing though. Stop hitting the doorbell. No one is though.

As I was about to fall asleep, Savannah knocked on my door and came in, I was grouchy, Mom was on the phone. Afterwards I just dropped the phone next to me and wrapped up in my comforter and heard another knock, "What!?"

But there was never another knock.

NICK IS CRAZILY INSANE!

---

Tony is home though.

Mon, 01 May 2006 18:54:07 GMT

Update on Tony:

I just called my Mom and she's coming back from the hospital and Tony might be able to come home today.

He'll be out of school for awhile, the clot isn't gone, and every day he has to get a couple shots.

So far so good.

EDIT: He's on his way home.